I\’m Right

Where ‘Awkwardness’ is the name of the game. Or just the story of my life.

just noticing. March 23, 2008

Filed under: Randomness — alwaysbri @ 3:58 pm

I love times where you feel completely safe.  That feeling you get when you are totally comfortable and secure with who you are and who you are with and where you are and where you are going. Everything seems to makes sense in these moments. It doesn’t seem like you really want to question anything, or even that there really is something to question. You just soak it in. It is just nice to feel protected and safe.

I have noticed, however, that it’s the times i feel most vulnerable are when my life seems to change. Not always for the better, mind you, or in a big way,  just different. When I feel so safe, i am not as motivated to take chances or say what i think or find things out, really. And it’s ok… I mean it is so nice to feel safe. But when I am a little insecure about what is going to happen, when the outcome is up in the air and could go either way, it is easier to give my thoughts and voice what I think. Because it already could go bad… or.. wrong or whatever, so you might as well go down in glory. Not look back wondering if things would have gone differently if you had said what you wanted to say, or done what you wanted to do.

Does that make sense?

Safe is like tangled up in your blankets at night, comfortable and sleepy. summer right before dusk. stars.  Slippers and movies and closeness and daydreaming/thinking silence. Vulnerable is like hard conversations. Doing something new. Defining, borderline awkward, and exciting.

Does that make sense at all? Probably not.

I can think of a few different times in my life for each of these feelings, safe and vulnerable… and it is hard to say which i like better. With vulnerable, it’s scary because some of the best things happen, but at the same time, sometimes it doesn’t turn out well. there is a chance it will go downhill, and it’s a horrible feeling to be so insecure and then have your hopes fall out from under you. but… to be insecure and have your hopes met or passed… is indescribable.  With safe, there is nothing to be scared of. It’s nice and perfect and lazy and good. But things don’t necessarily get better either. It’s how it is. No hope for more, not that you need any more, but what you see is what you have. So it is hard to say. It’s like the feel-good ending of a movie vs. the climax where you don’t quite know how it will turn out. Edge of your seat intense vs. curled up under a blanket warm.

I don’t really think i am supposed to like one over the other. Both are good. anyway. good stuff.  just observations on a rainy afternoon.