And For That Split Second… July 18, 2007

A second is a rather short length of time. A lot can happen in it, to be sure, but it is, after all, only a second. Therefore a split second, is truly an incomprehensibly short moment in time. So short, in fact, that a person really can’t think of more than one thing in a single split second.

I mean, in a full, “One, one thousand,” a person could practically rid the world of flying squirrels or talk sense into the people who use winking smiley faces too much. Both, I imagine, being very difficult tasks. In just a little “O-,” however, one could only perhaps contemplate the furriness of a flying squirrels’ ears, or become exasperated at the one who used their signature smiley for the 12th time in 4 minutes. Yes I am aware I use strange examples when I am tired.

You have to love some of these split seconds. It’s like when you are stopped at a light or in traffic directly next to someone. Windows down and music loud, you casually glance toward the car beside you. They are looking at you, you at them… you both quickly turn your gaze… just a mere moment in your day, and yet it is so amusingly awkward. Or that split second after you wave at someone who you thought was waving at you but it turns out they were waving at someone behind you. It’s amazing that such a short moment in history could hold such intense feeling. Awkwardness and embarrassment are both quite laughable after the fact, and yet at the time there seems no way to write off the sensation as anything but ‘awkward,’ or ‘embarrassing.’

The scary ones are always interesting. That split second where you looked up at the roof and there seemed to be an alien there like in Signs, standing and watching you. Or when you look out your window and can just picture a person staring in at you. Your stomach drops and pulse races, and practically as soon as this happens you’ve started talking yourself down and realized it’s all in your head. Very fleeting, and yet so intense. It’s craziness.

Another weird one is the split second you jump off of something. Whatever it is. A rock into water, a bed, a cliff, whatever. That tiny second that you go, “What the heck am I doing.” Or the moments you go, “Oh. Okay. Well then.” Like when you realize something crazy big but it hasn’t sunk in yet. Those are good ones. Or there are the complicated times you look at someone or something and really really really want to say something but don’t quite know how it would go over so you decide against it and wonder… sigh. I don’t know. These shortest lengths of time kind of interest me.

I think I’ve babbled on long enough. There is no point really to this post. Unless you can find a good one, in which case I was going for that all along.

Attack of the Clones July 14, 2007

Hair places scare me. Seriously. They are all exactly the same. I mean, you have different people, there are slight variations, but the type of person, the attitudes, and the general experience, is always strangely similar.

For one, the clients are identical every time. There are 3 that are always there.

• The Luke Skywalker: This is the one who is just whiny. The hair person will ask them what they want, and they will say that they hate their current style, but don’t know what else they could do. The hair person will start to rattle off different ideas, each promptly being shot down by the unhappy grump sitting in the spinny chair with a depressed look on their face.
• The Mrs. Beauregarde : This is the lady who chats it up with the hair cutters, but her pitch is slightly higher than seems necessary, kind of like fingernails on a chalkboard… where it kind of just hurts your teeth to hear? And she will laugh at everything in that same high pitch, loudly and a little too long…
• The Shawn Spencer: The person who spills their guts to everyone. Such as the complete stranger cutting their hair. The conversation usually revolves around the boyfriend/husband problems they are having, the fact that their sister eloped with their mom’s second ex-husband’s gorgeous actor son, who was disowned from the family for pursuing his acting career. Oh, and they are always redecorating their bathroom, but can’t figure out whether tan colored towels will disappear into the khaki colored walls.

These three cannot be avoided. It’s possible you may only see one or two at a time, but stay there long enough, and all three will come, mark my words. Every time I go, all three are there. Every. Stinking. Time.

Then you have the hairdressers. They may not be the same, but they all react to me the same. I’ll save you the gory details, but here are the highlights. The exclamations and experiences I am forced to live through every time I enter a place like this.

• “You have so much hair!” This is said loud and often, with envy and sometimes dismay.
• Them- “I know people who would kill for hair like yours!” Me-”They can have it” Them- *Look of horror*
• They all also feel the need to reminisce back to the last client they had with as much hair as I have. “Her name was Susan. She had more hair than even you. Boy did I love to run my fingers through that hair…” Huh.
• “Okay, I could see why you would find your hair somewhat of a… challenge…”

It cannot be escaped. Submit to the clones and decide to find it amusing rather than depressing. The outcome, however, was pretty darn good I think. Hank did a good job. But Hank is another story for another time.

Dear Mapquest July 4, 2007

Dear John Mapquest,

I never foresaw this day coming, but alas, it has. This just isn’t working for me anymore. If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have said that I was sure we would be together forever, but today I saw the truth. You were only leading me on so that you could let me down, and I got that loud and clear with this afternoon’s happenings.

While I may not have noticed until today, I realize now that it was there all along. I mean, I was always the one doing all of the work in this relationship, and I can’t help but think that you never even cared. I followed your direction, your advice, and I followed it completely. There was no doubt in my mind that you were leading me down the right path, that is until you led me astray. Now I feel that I can’t put my trust in you, because quite frankly, I couldn’t take the feeling of you letting me down again. You never did care, did you?

People warned me that you were no good. They said I would be better off without you, but I was so stubborn! I had faith in you. Faith that was, apparently, misplaced. We can still be acquaintances, but this completely exclusive relationship must end now. It isn’t healthy, for either of us. You obviously cracked under the pressure, and I need a strong system that I can rely on. If you can’t do that, then we should rethink this commitment.

Please understand that I don’t have many hard feelings against you. We go way back, and we had some good times, and awesome adventures. Those days are long in the past, and we need to move on. Thanks for the memories, Mapquest. Perhaps someday we will find ourselves together again. But for now I must go.

Sincerely,

Brianna.