Learn How to Snowboard in Ten Easy Steps December 28, 2006

A bunch of people from karate are going to go snowboarding this Saturday, and asked if I would like to come. Most of them said they weren’t any good, one said he’d never gone before (I haven’t either), and only a few said that they were fairly practiced and good. So I said I’d go, thought it’d be pretty fun, they are pretty cool people and since one of the guys hadn’t gone before, I wouldn’t be alone in learning. So we set it in stone, and one of them said they’d call me with details today. So I just got the call, and the first thing he says is, “Well, he can’t go”.  The only one who’d also never gone. So now there are only like 6ish of us going.

And I don’t know how to snowboard. And all of them do. And I don’t want to look like a complete dork. I do that enough thank you. I don’t even know anything about it really. So I looked it up. Go to Google. Type in “How to Snowboard”. The first site looked promising. “Learn to Snowboard in Ten Easy Steps”, it was called. Unfortunately, the very first step was is some sort of foreign language, and that started the Frenzied Phrase Find of 2006 (do you like my amazing use of alliteration there?). One of the first steps told me to learn to “Skate, with your front foot in it’s binding, and the back foot used to push yourself along”. What in the Heck? So I went to Google. Typed in, “How to Skate, Snowboarding” and it told me that before you learned to skate, you had to learn the “Heelside Slide”. Of course, the site gave no explanation of how to “Heelside Slide”, so I, of course, went to Google. Typed in, “How to Heelside Slide”. All the sites the search engine brings up, though, are titled something to the effect of, “What to do when your Heelside Slide doesn’t work”. They have that little faith in me? They aren’t going to even try to teach me to heelside slide? They just assume that since it is me, and since I am a klutz, they wont even try. *sigh* So these sights told me that if my heelside slide doesn’t work, I should try the “Coleman Slide”. So I sighed (*sigh*), and… <bum bum bum> went to Google!! “How to Coleman Slide”. And the first site, no joke, tells me to first learn to skate.

Yeah. So I closed every one of the 16 tabs in FireFox I had going. It gave me a feeling of power, let me tell you. So I may not be able to learn to snowboard online (who would have guessed? lol), I can still close the window. That is a pretty sad power trip, but whatever.

Then I opened FireFox back up, cuz I forgot that I still needed my email up. Sad.

Christmas Shopping December 21, 2006

Well, I was doing some last minute shopping yesterday, as I was a bit of a procrastinator this year, and let me tell you, it was pretty intense. People were such jerks, it was crazy. There were people cutting people off, taking parking spots while others were waiting for them, people almost running down pedestrians in the parking lots while racing for the end spot, and these were from the little grandmas behind the wheel. Man, those ladies are beasts this time of year. Then you got the people with their windows rolled down, in the 29 degree weather, no less, just so they can scream at the other drivers, who, in turn flip them off and lay on the horn. Then you’ve got the stores. They are crazy busy because Christmas is getting pretty close, haha, and everyone has these carts stacked with gifts reaching to the moon. Well, it is all well and good until you get a… vertically challenged…. person with an aforementioned cart, and a suicide wish. You have these people, weaving the aisles, practically running from one row to the next, with no concern of their own well being, let alone the other people’s… It is very scary to be standing at the beginning of a row, deeply contemplating which lip-gloss to get your 14 year-old sister, look up, and see a cart flying at you with a two and a half ton load. At this moment you know that if you don’t get out of the way you will in fact be run over and killed. Scary, I’m telling you. There are the people snapping at one another, parents yelling at kids cuz they just can’t take the whining anymore, kids crying and screaming cuz mom or dad wouldn’t get them that 17th candy bar. And everyone is yelling, grumpy, worried, stressed, tired, or annoyed. Or yelling, grumpy, worried, stressed, tired, and annoyed.

Man, if this wasn’t the happiest freaking time of year, I’d be really worried.

A Step-by-Step Plan for Taking Over the World December 10, 2006

-Learn Chinese. Obviously this would be the first step in all the world domination plans holding any credibility.

-Record all of Brittany Spears’ songs in Cantonese.

-While waiting for your music to catch on in China, instruct someone to conduct an attempt on the president of the United States’ life, and foil the plot as it unfolds in front of him. Stop it before he gets hurt, but after he sees that there was someone out to get him, and that you saved his life. Forever in your debt (and afraid of getting sued, as you conveniently claim that he trips you accidentally while you save him, and injure yourself), the president invites you to the White House, where you meet and make friends with several secret service agents, as well as others highly ranking in the government. You keep in touch with them and strive to make these relationships strong and lasting. This will come in handy.

-When your music catches on, and you become the idol of pop culture in China, stress to everyone that the only way to enjoy the music and let it nourish your psyche is to nourish your bodies simultaneously.

-Knowing that 97.6% of people there eat rice daily, you lace the rice reserves with nicotine. As their addiction for nicotine grows, so will their addiction to your music, by association.

-Introduce repeated phrases into your music such as, “You are but peasants (as I once was), but if you follow my ways, you will become adored in all you do (as I am now)” and “I will show you the way to being fully satisfied.”

-Once you have 1+ billion Chinese, hanging on your every word, and unable to think for themselves, ship them to the United States, starting with Chinatown, in San Francisco. They will get jobs and work their way up until they become known as the hardest working cheap labor of auto manufacturing, designer clothing, and peanut butter. Soon you will be in control of Ford, Liz Claiborne, Tommy Hilfiger, and Skippy.

-They will become the role models of the poor, the downtrodden, and the ignorant, and your following will grow.

-You will then have enough of a following and a cash flow to launch similar campaigns for total domination in other countries. There will be attacks on BMW, Louis Vuitton, Saab, Toyota, and Swiss Army Knife.

-Once you control all major resources of the free world, let it be known that the only way to make it in this world now is by working for you, at wages that child-laborers in the 20’s would scoff at. Soon, everyone will be working for you.

-Once you get enough Yen, Dollars, Pesos, Rubles, and Euros, you buy Australia.

-Run the headquarters of your world wide domination plan from your $1.7 Billion dollar complex above Bondi Beach in Sydney.  Get married. Have a family. Enjoy your private sandy beaches. Why not?

-When you have enough money for several people to live extravagantly for millions of years, pass the industry on to a trusted and worthy person, with a contract entitling you to 10% of all earnings. Before paying the wages of the laborers, and before taxes.

It’s brilliant.