a hint of seriousity. July 5, 2008

I hit the wall again.
Surprise, surprise.
But it was surprising.
I guess I thought I was past all of this..
And yet here I am.

I hate that I need approval.
I hate that I need help.
I hate that I am incapable.
I hate that I let things dictate how I feel.
I hate that I am not good enough.
And I hate that I can’t seem to change.

I already know where to find the answer to escaping this rut
that I seem to find my way back to frequently.
In the Word. In God.
I love that I have the answer… but i’m in heavy need of motivation.
The wrong things often are the ones that stimulate,
and apathy springs up out of nowhere.

on one hand,
I’m searching for God’s plan in this…
I so want to rock this world upside down for Him.
on the other,
I just want someone to tell me I am good enough.
I just want someone to tell me they care about what happens to me.
And I just want someone to say they would make it all better if they could.

I think the latter sometimes consumes my mind and attention.
At least when I’m having a hard time.
But I want the former. I want it so bad.

Please don’t misunderstand.
I have so much. I am an extremely blessed girl.
I am so incredibly thankful for all God has put in my life.
I’m just a little discouraged right now.
But daylight is in just a couple hours.
And things often look better in the morning, right? Right.

It’ll be ok.

20 for 2008- Revisited June 26, 2008

So at the beginning of the year, i made a list of 20 things that I wanted to do before the year was out. we are about halfway through the year, so as suggested i am going to take a little look-sy at the list and adjust where necessary. So here was the 20, and i’ll flag it if it’s happened.

1. Go on a picnic
2. Go camping
3. Have a Harry Potter Marathon
4. Host a random themed party
5. Find a pair of jeans that really fits well and that i like- well i didn’t really find jeans but i like the pants i have. for the most part. as much as a cynical girl can.
6. Find a band that no one has heard of that i really like
7. Make many decisions quickly and surely
8. Have a bonfire on the beach during summer
9. Explore a place i haven’t been
10. Get pleasantly surprised- birthday party was huge, but other instances have been pleasantly surprising as well.
11. Drive and drive without planning where to go- i sometimes do this when i am bored or upset.
12. Go to seattle
13. Get to where i can do scissor kicks head level
14. Finish seasons 2 and 3 of Lost- i love that show. so much. and i even finished the 4th season! i am a lost junkie.
15. Find occasions to dress up nice- i guess rather than find occasions to dress up, i’ve sorta took on the philosophy that one does not need an occasion to dress up, at least a little…
16. Read my Bible more
17. Journal at least every few days
18. Start doing kicks and punches again
19. Find more ways to control my dreams- i’ve begun to realize that what i do before bed affects my dreams… if i eat i have weird dreams. if i talk to someone right before, or think about something a lot, i usually end up dreaming about them/it. if i am too hyped up i usually have very bright-toned dreams. so… i could sorta control it if i wanted a weird bright dream with people and ideas that i am obsessing over in it.
20. Learn to cook more things- i made up some pretty intense cookies this year…

i guess it’s probably pretty sad that i’ve only done 7 of the 20, but i have done other stuff as well. Here are 10 things i have done that weren’t on the list but should have been:

1. see kung fu panda 4 times
2. explore portland
3. night board
4. get better at using both sides of my board to carve
5. spent countless hours on the computer when it was probably the least efficiant use of my time.
6. survive spring term of college
7. went to the beach- no bonfire as intended in my last post, but was very fun. maybe a bonfire next time.
8. go to numerous midnight premiers for movies
9. get a good job for the summer.
10. find lots of music that even though other people have heard it, it is very good stuff. though it comes and goes with how much music i listen to.

So i’ve done some stuff. and i am going to apply myself to make some of the other things happen. at least 2 of the top ideas on my list that have not been completed:

1. picnic. This has got to happen. i don’t know how or when but i would very much like to go on one. i think it would be fun. though it is probably one of my like daydreamy type delusions that wouldn’t turn out as i would have expected because that is what happens when you have expectations i am finding.
2. kicks and punches. i can’t even tell you how much i need to start that again. wow. yea.

And lastly, three things that weren’t on my list but i want to do:

1. make it to hasty-freeze in albany.
2. put office supplies in jello
3. do other… various… random and exciting things…

my addictive personality April 14, 2008

i only called it that for lack of better terminology, as i don’t think my… enthusiastic tendencies are all necessarily negative.

I have, however, been noticing lately my impulse to wholeheartedly embrace things. It seems to be somewhat of a trend in my life to become slightly overzealous about the things I like. I was thinking about this, and many, many examples, trivial and otherwise, came to my mind. As I said, I don’t think these all are negative, exactly. Some don’t really matter that much…

• Breakfast trends- For some reason I go through trends in my breakfasts. aka toast and applesauce. I ate this for breakfast every single day in sixth, seventh, and eighth grade. Three years, that is pretty much all i had. Then i went through the banana phase. no time to eat so i’d grab one and run. now i am on to the ‘dang i’m late’ phase, and rarely eat breakfast at all.
• Activities- You all probably know I had a pretty intensely into karate for a long while… like, 6 days a week for many hours a day… this I actually count as a very positive addiction. Little bad came out of this. I was working out constantly, made good friends, learned a lot… def good.
• When I was in elementary school and I decided I was born to be a writer/reporter/detective. I took on that idea so fully that the rest of my life would focus on that. Suddenly i was a spy in all my games, infiltrating other countries’ governments, solving age old puzzles and mysteries, and then writing books about it, for the world to enjoy. All my papers at school would be about that, i wanted to dress like a detective would, etc. That may be a little kid extreme example, but I know i still do that to an extent at times.
• Lost. hehe. I love it so much.

So… these didn’t really affect my life that much. You might have had slightly more insight about my life at the time… it may have been easier to keep tabs on me when I was always at karate. but that’s about it.

These trivial things I have noticed are just phases with me, though. I tend to get really burnt out on them after awhile and that is the downside… I could, for example, never have toast and applesauce again, and life would be perfectly peachy. Lost I have not gotten burnt out on yet. And I don’t know if that will happen.

There have been a few of these… preferences.. that have impacted my life more than my childhood dream of becoming a spy. These might not be quite as positive.

• Diet Coke- heh. You know about that little incident… definitely not good for me. I was pretty addicted. I had a lot. I go back and forth between wanting to know how much and being glad I don’t.
• Computer- I am trying to spend less time on it. I know there are better things for me to do…. yea.
• Saving the best for last- I have always done this. I don’t know why. Like, with everything. I try to finish everything i need to get done before doing fun things so I don’t dwell on it as much… (though that decreases with things I know I can get done at last minute), and food, and like clothes… i’ll want to wear something but save it until I’ve worn like everything else so that it’s better. It doesn’t really make sense. But I do.

So basically… there are good addictions and bad addictions. I have some of both. And I am going to try to curb some of the negative ones…

just noticing. March 23, 2008

I love times where you feel completely safe.  That feeling you get when you are totally comfortable and secure with who you are and who you are with and where you are and where you are going. Everything seems to makes sense in these moments. It doesn’t seem like you really want to question anything, or even that there really is something to question. You just soak it in. It is just nice to feel protected and safe.

I have noticed, however, that it’s the times i feel most vulnerable are when my life seems to change. Not always for the better, mind you, or in a big way,  just different. When I feel so safe, i am not as motivated to take chances or say what i think or find things out, really. And it’s ok… I mean it is so nice to feel safe. But when I am a little insecure about what is going to happen, when the outcome is up in the air and could go either way, it is easier to give my thoughts and voice what I think. Because it already could go bad… or.. wrong or whatever, so you might as well go down in glory. Not look back wondering if things would have gone differently if you had said what you wanted to say, or done what you wanted to do.

Does that make sense?

Safe is like tangled up in your blankets at night, comfortable and sleepy. summer right before dusk. stars.  Slippers and movies and closeness and daydreaming/thinking silence. Vulnerable is like hard conversations. Doing something new. Defining, borderline awkward, and exciting.

Does that make sense at all? Probably not.

I can think of a few different times in my life for each of these feelings, safe and vulnerable… and it is hard to say which i like better. With vulnerable, it’s scary because some of the best things happen, but at the same time, sometimes it doesn’t turn out well. there is a chance it will go downhill, and it’s a horrible feeling to be so insecure and then have your hopes fall out from under you. but… to be insecure and have your hopes met or passed… is indescribable.  With safe, there is nothing to be scared of. It’s nice and perfect and lazy and good. But things don’t necessarily get better either. It’s how it is. No hope for more, not that you need any more, but what you see is what you have. So it is hard to say. It’s like the feel-good ending of a movie vs. the climax where you don’t quite know how it will turn out. Edge of your seat intense vs. curled up under a blanket warm.

I don’t really think i am supposed to like one over the other. Both are good. anyway. good stuff.  just observations on a rainy afternoon.

Musings of a Wandering Mind February 17, 2008

I sit here with two tests tomorrow, and yet the ability to study escapes me. An exam in history and philosophy, but all I can seem to do is sit here, mind a thousand miles away… Sigh. I’ve done some. To give a short synopsis my history teacher gave us a study guide with 20 possible short answer identifications, from which she will pick 3-6 we have to answer, and a list of 10 possible essay questions, from which she will pick 2 we have to answer on the test. I have gone over 14 of the 20 short answer terms, jotted down key terms, names, dates, and such. The problem being my mind is so far gone I don’t know if I will remember any of this in an hour, let alone a day. And the fact that I have several more, plus each essay question, of which I looked over and know how to answer exactly one.

I turned off the music I was listening to long ago, I couldn’t help listening, and the lyrics brought about a whole other train of thoughts for my attention to divide itself with. Calling You and Hate Me by Blue October are amazing, fyi. though distracting. Now I have the lyrics running through my head. My less than interesting history doesn’t stand a chance with those kind of odds.

The sun doesn’t help either… wishing I was outside this whole time.

I figure I have three options at this point.

1.  Stop writing and get back to work studying.  The one I will do in a few minutes, after I get done fantasizing about the other options.
2. Go outside, run around, perhaps take a bike ride or go to crossler and amuse myself by climbing the goalpost. Get home, go back to work, stay up too late studying, not do as well as I’d hoped on my tests but still do ok, catch up on sleep over the next couple days.
3. Go outside, etc. Come back, not study, have a nice evening. skip classes tomorrow, fail my tests, fail my classes, lose my scholarships.

2 doesn’t sound too bad, though reasonably, the sun is going down now, i shouldn’t do that anyway.  3 is stupid, and I try not to do stupid things. So 1 it is, which is ironic because I should have just kept working rather than write this. I wish I could just focus but I think too much, and my mind wanders too easily. And lets just face it, the subjects on my thoughts are far more interesting to me right now than Manifest Destiny, or Jacksonian Democracy.

But anyway. Wish me luck. It’s back to work I go.

my life January 28, 2008

snow is rapidly losing it’s charm with me. i wake up this morning to snow and was happy. no classes to go to. until i find out that western was hoping to off a few students before breakfast and decided to have classes despite the weather. awesome. i have a rather large knot on my forehead, and some other minor attractive scuffs on my face from last night, and i was thrilled to get to go to school and show it off. /not.  So i wasn’t thrilled.

the drive to school was probably the scariest of my life, as my little saturn is not built for that kind of weather. the ‘low traction’ light was on the whole way and i swear i heard it gasp in terror a few times. or that might have been me. going a top speed of 20 was fun, right up there with my surgery when i was like 6 and the doctors cut a slice off the top of my tongue and i couldn’t eat any sort of salty things for a couple weeks.

even more thrilling was my dad calling as i was about 3/4 the way there. “umm western just decided to delay for 2 hours… not opening until 10.” what the freaking heck. you can’t close the campus at 7:30 for the 8:00 classes. pretty much ruins everything for the people who have to commute.

so, naturally, i am pretty ticked off. and it’s freezing, even with a scarf and a sweatshirt under my warm coat. but i’m like, hey, two hours to work on homework. don’t have any cash of course, can’t get breakfast or anything so i’m like, i’ll just go to the computer lab and do work. maybe write this post. ipod is dead but the computer will keep me company, and i can lessen the crazy load of work for this week. but wait! western surpasses my expectations! everything is closed! locked up and dark. a.mazing.

so…. i sat in my car for an hour. doing math, and being depressed. then went to the library. such is monday morning. and such is my life.

Detox. January 19, 2008

Hello, my name is Brianna Taylor, and I am a recovering diet coke addict.

I had a problem. I am ready to admit. I never used to admit that I had a problem. I convinced myself and tried to convince others that rather than it being an addiction, it was just a liking. An extreme liking. That I would go out of my way to meet… Anywho, last week I decided to take steps in correcting this. So, as many people are glad to hear, no more diet coke for me, at least for awhile.

And let me tell you, detox has not been a pleasant experience. Like, in all seriousness, I must have really been addicted, because I really haven’t felt that great over the last weekish I’ve been trying this.

•  headaches
• weird dreams (though that was kind of happening before)
• moody

So… it’s been interesting. Like, I know it’s good for me. So i’m glad about it. I just didn’t really expect it to affect me really. Pretty sure the headaches are in direct result of it. Kind of pounding-ish in the back of my head. my NutraSweet and Aspratine levels have dropped drastically and it’s flipping out my brain. most likely.

The weird dreams are kind of a variable, I have weird dreams a lot, they just haven’t been like crazy-weird like usual, just rather weird-sucky. so i am not sure about that one. Though I did have one dream about diet coke chasing me…. probably unrelated.

As for the moodiness, that has been fun. Mostly I have just been irritable. mostly at myself though not others. well. some others. ok, there were a handful. mm, again, could be other things. But my knee-jerk anger towards the people I see with diet coke could argue otherwise.

Luckily, I have some good friends to help me through this rough time. I appreciate that. for the most part. But I will prevail. I’m thinking I could handle one of those Celebrity rehab places though. Must be tough to get over an addiction while at a spa or the like. Pretty sure a facial would help this whole process. or a massage. perhaps both. sigh.

*note to self: achieve stardom before becoming substance dependent again*

20 for 2008 January 3, 2008

These are some things I want to do this year, in no particular order or importance.

1.  Go on a picnic
2.  Go camping
3.  Have a  Harry Potter Marathon
4.  Host a random themed party
5.  Find a pair of jeans that really fits well and that i like
6.  Find a band that no one has heard of that i really like
7.  Make many decisions quickly and surely
8.  Have a bonfire on the beach during summer
9.  Explore a place i haven’t been
10.  Get pleasantly surprised
11.  Drive and drive without planning where to go
12.  Go to seattle
13.  Get to where i can do scissor kicks head level
14.  Finish seasons 2 and 3 of Lost
15.  Find occasions to dress up nice
16.  Read my Bible more
17.  Journal at least every few days
18.  Start doing kicks and punches again
19.  Find more ways to control my dreams
20.  Learn to cook more things

So there are a few of the things I want to do in 2008. There are more that either, a) I don’t know how to word, or b) I just don’t want anyone to know yet.

A mix of seriousness and randomness. As many of the best things are. December 23, 2007

11 things I have learned to appreciate as I get older

Progression- moving forward…

Remembering- how things were… how we were…

Learning- how to grow up…

Spontaneity- can make a perfect moment…

Planning- but sometimes a well thought out plan is nicer…

Silences that Speak- when you can look at someone and they are looking at you and you both know what the other is thinking without having to say it…

Passion- believing in something with all your heart…

Wandering- not knowing where you are going and not caring, just looking for an adventure…

Conversation- never running out of things to say to someone…

Enthusiasm- founded or unfounded…

Laughter- the saving grace…

Each of these things have become more and more important, and seem to be trends in my life as time goes on… many underestimated, each essential…

11 things I have learned to not appreciate as I grow older

Mushrooms- …. why do the exist. honestly.

Bedtime- there is never enough time in the day…

Alarm Clocks- i love my batman one, hate what they stand for…

Egotism- joking is ok… true cocky behavior is just aggravating.

Drama- hate it…

Drama- hate it a lot…

Jealousy- not pretty.

Forgetting to block- just ends up with a mocking and a headache.

Bad Timing- sometimes timing makes an event, but bad timing can hurt…

Indecisiveness- or should i write that?

Klutziness- gosh i hope it’s endearing or something. not just uncoordinated.

Each of these too have influenced my life, often to my much dismay.

But life goes on, we live, we grow, we write random posts.

If Every Day Were to be Celebrated… December 4, 2007

The holiday season always brings fond memories… the cheer, the joy, the family togetherness. It reminds me of holidays past, and as I help trim the tree, make sugar cookies, wrap presents in the glow of the Christmas lights, and cry during It’s A Wonderful Life, I notice something else. The effort, time, and resources put into celebrating this time of year are extravagant, and the season is celebrated more than any other, and it makes me think of the lesser holidays that may not be celebrated as intensely.

Now, we generally take any excuse to party, get gifts, receive gifts, do unusual things, or just plain have fun. There are some holidays, however, that make so little sense that even we cannot find a justifiable way to celebrate them. Or we do, but shouldn’t.

• Beginning, of course, with February 2nd, Groundhog’s Day. Oh my, what to say about Groundhog’s Day. First off, great movie. Secondly, we are having a groundhog predict our weather. the general public may not be completely crazy about the day, but don’t worry. There is a club. The Groundhog Club, to be exact. These are the people who listen to Punxsutawney Phil’s prediction in “groundhogese” and translate it to the rest of the world. And that is it. There is no all night party or anything, most people turn on the news out of curiosity, see what he says, then go about their normal business. But this is a national holiday people! Live it up! I imagine we should all wear brown, have some sort of ‘coming out of the burrow- ack i see my shadow-6 more weeks of winter dance,’ and eat lots of flapjacks.

• The next day is Billy Joel Day. A good example of a holiday that most people don’t even know exist. and for a reason.

• February 13th is Geek Day. Coincidence that it is the day before Valentine’s Day? I don’t think so. Celebrating geeks so they will have fond memories to look back on if their valentine’s day is less than desirable? Could be. This is another day I feel we should all take to extremes. Either with acting like a geek, coming out of the closet with our own true geekyness, or even just expressing our love for the significant geeks in our lives with various cards or gifts.

• April 1st is a day we know, and some of us love. It is actually pretty funny though, because in it’s original form, the “Fool” in April Fool’s Day didn’t mean fool as in trick or joke, but Fool as in a person without common sense. In the 1500’s, new year’s changed from April First to January First. The people who still celebrated the new year on the first of April were laughed at and mocked for their ignorance. Eventually the day turned into a day where you trick people, or make a ‘fool’ of them. So just realize, celebrating April 1st originally meant you were not the sharpest tool in the shed.

• Here in Oregon we have a whole week set aside for Arbor Day, which is pretty nifty… not sure how that one works, but the first full week of April is Arbor Day, just fyi. It is also the day to celebrate trees. And boy do they deserve being celebrated. Anywho, it’s devoted to spreading awareness of trees’ importance, which i suppose is a valuable lesson, since without them, we would basically be in trouble. But couldn’t we think of something a little more enticing than “come plant trees?” The solution clearly being an official Arbor Day song, going something like:
  • • oh the day of arbor, i must go to the barber, planting many trees, oh i cannot see, cut away the ignorance, i’ll pay you with a sixpence…

  it’s a work in progress but something to that affect. Ask me to hum it next time i see you, you can get a better picture.

• Lastly, for this post anyway, is May Day. May 1st. Flowers and Maypoles and little children dancing around with ribbons and stuff. Lovely. This one has been a holiday for a crazy long time, the only funny part being when you relate it to “Mayday,” the signal for a ship or plane in distress, or “Mayday,” the annual electronic music festival in Poland. neither of which have anything to do with flowers. or tradition. I think we should probably combine them all to prevent confusion. It would look something like crashing model planes wrapped in flowers and ribbon while blasting electronic music.

ok that is all from me. and that was only the first half of the year.